Friday, May 01, 2009

A day of contemplation

When I am in the middle of starting a project, a new series of paintings etc... I'm not there. I'm there physically but in my head I'm somewhere else. And I'm restless, very restless.

When I am in that state of being, I'm not the nicest company in the world.
I have trouble sleeping, or I even dream about the new idea and I don't feel comfortable.
Next I start worrying. In my head the painting or series of paintings are already made... but then I have to make it real, put the paint on canvas. What if I do not succeed? What if the paintings cannot be made like I've seen them in my head? There is a decrease of my self esteem... I start wondering if I will even be able to make another good painting ever again.... This has its negative effect on my work, so I have to get over my doubts. I can only do that by taking a few days off or just start to paint. Sometimes I waste a canvas. It's a pity. I have to pick up myself, talk some sense into myself... and then... suddenly I realize that 'it' is back. I'm never aware of that at the very moment, but always afterwards.

That is one way...

I also have days that I'm totally relaxed. I start painting without doubts, without thoughts, just painting, I forget everything, I forget me ... and at the end of the day I'm surprised by what I have made and I wonder if it was really me who created it.
The next day I still wonder...
Sometimes I start a new painting and when the beginning is okay, I can dance through the day. It's like the painting paints itself.

The only similarity is that either way I lose track of time, and because I ignore my physical signals, it sometimes exhausts me. Yesterday and the day before.. and the day before I felt so tired.... that is why today I did nothing but enjoying the beautiful weather, reading, sleeping and contemplating.
It helped... I feel great! Tomorrow it's time to start with a new painting... again!

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